The Power of the Third State
“Tend and Befriend”
If you’re reading this post, you probably know, my deep focus, is on fighting stress with a view to easing anxiety and depression. And, like me, you probably know about the ‘Fight or Flight’ response. And you know about ‘Rest and Relax.’ But what about ‘Tend and Befriend’?
Some of you are enviably brilliant at this. Making friends comes naturally to you, as does keeping them. But did you know, this skill can add years to your life? When I was researching the book, I was fascinated to discover this third state, and wanted to know more.
When we experience stress, our bodies typically enter one of two states – fight or flight. These states activate our sympathetic nervous system and trigger our body’s stress response. However, there is a third stress state that is less well known but potentially more beneficial – the “tend and befriend” state.
What is Tend and Befriend?
Tend and befriend is a state where social instincts take over during times of stress. Instead of confronting a threat or running away, we seek out the social support of others. Our bodies respond by releasing oxytocin and endogenous opioids, which facilitate caregiving behaviours and reduce stress. Essentially, connecting with others helps calm our minds and bodies.
Why is This State Important?
Tend and befriend enables us to tap into the power of social bonds to ease anxiety. It evolved as an adaptive mechanism to help humans – and especially females – protect themselves and their offspring in difficult times. Research shows that activating this state through social contact can lower blood pressure, cortisol, and other stress hormones. The resulting sense of calm and safety has significant health advantages.
How to Access This State
When you feel stressed, try the following to activate tend and befriend:
● Reach out to supportive friends and family to talk through what you’re feeling. Don’t isolate yourself.
● Spend time caring for others in need through volunteering or community work. Acts of service boost oxytocin.
● Set aside time each day for social connection – this primes your body for tend and befriend.
● Practice self-compassion by directing warmth and understanding inward.
This provides similar benefits to social support.
The more we strengthen our skills at accessing tend and befriend, the better we can leverage relationships to manage life’s inevitable stresses. With cultivation, the power of social bonds can become our go-to stress buster. Give it a try next time you feel anxious or overwhelmed!
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Advance reviews
Meg Tully: I wanted to eat healthier meals, but I never seemed to manage. I’d start out full of optimism, but by week five or six I’d be running out of ideas, and I’d be questioning myself. This book has been EXACTLY what I wanted because it’s shown me what nutrients the meals delivered. It’s removed so many of my doubts and worries.
Johanna J Jordan: I wanted to eat healthier, get more protein, but I didn’t want to end up making two different meals, one for me, another for the family. So I just stuck to what I knew but felt uncomfortable about it. I leapt at the chance to read an advance copy and I am so glad I did. I feel much more confident about my food choices, and the flexi suggestions are so helpful because my husband doesn’t want to give up meat.
Dr Ayesha Ashraf, clinical psychologist Well written, comprehensive information related to panic attacks, anxiety and stress. The contemporary approaches used in conjunction with psychotherapy are highlighted on point. The use of analogy to explain stress developing into anxiety and panic attacks is beautifully mentioned to be easily grasped by the layman.”
Susan Strutte: I was given this book for my vegan daughter to read. She had been suffering from dizzy spells, and I was concerned she was not getting sufficient nutrition in her diet. Within weeks of following these delicious recipes, she is feeling and looking a lot healthier and find the meals easy to create.
Rachel Lior: The recipe design is inspired. I am not one for reading a whole book. Sure, I intend to, but more often I glance at a couple of recipes, make some of them, then I’m done. I know this is rare, but jen’s book has a very different approach, and it works. If you hate the idea of another book about anxiety that you probably won’t read, give this one a chance.
Millificent: We know we’ve got to eat less meat to save the planet. But if we all end up in hospital or needing long term health care because we’ve f****d up our health, that has its own environmental cost, doesn’t it? I’ve ordered copies of this book for family and friends. I only hope they read it and enjoy it as much as I did. U can lead a horse to water and all that…
Lynn T: Jen gave me this book to read to help my foster daughter with her panic attacks. Wow! It has genuinely been life-changing. But not just for her, for my entire family. There is no question about it, we now eat healthier meals, do more to combat stress, and can say we truly do lead happier, less rushed lives. Best of all, and I am not just saying this, the information has been so incredibly easy to absorb and take on board, it took next to zero effort.
Andrew C: The cost of this book is paid for ten times over through the info on one single page alone. The boom page. Life-changing. For me, all the other pages are just bonuses. If you battle with anxiety and panic attacks, get this book.
Mari Ngonye: I’ve struggled with panic attacks for the last five years and to be honest, kind of figured this was going to it for the rest of my life. Not only are there loads of approaches specifically to help shorten or even stop panic attacks, which alone is worth it’s weight in gold, it explained so much. I am now in a much, much better place and can genuinely begin to see a spot of hope.
Bev Varley: By just adding three suggested ingredients to boost my normal recipes, I had the comfort of knowing that all the nutrient groups were covered. Not only was it nutritious, it was delicious too. The book was informative; easy to use and above all else, it has given me confidence that I can ensure I am eating the right foods to stay healthy and increase my longevity. This should be every cook’s new bible, a long-awaited but crucial addition to the literature on healthy eating!
Sarah E: I was given this book to read in order to get my review. To be honest, I felt a little awkward about it because I dreaded having to lie and tell Jen I loved it, when I didn’t. Luckily, there has been zero need for lies. If you or anyone in your family struggles with depression, anxiety, stress, panic attacks, high blood sugar, and wants to do everything they can to tips the odds of healing in their favour, GRAB THIS BOOK. I promise, you won’t regret it.
Charles: Very impressive, extremely informative and knowledgeable.
Grace: If I could give this book ten stars I would. When I was asked if I’d like to read it, I confess I was in two minds. I liked the idea behind the book, but I didn’t think I would be able to commit the energy needed.I was so wrong! It was funny, clever, and so easy to read. And did it help with anxiety? OMG YES! My son suffers with panic attacks, and we now have a collection of tools that actually work to help make them pass quicker, and have less of an impact. If you struggle with anxiety, panic attack, depression, do yourself a favour and get this book as soon as you can.