24Jan

The Power of the Third State

“Tend and Befriend”

If you’re reading this post, you probably know, my deep focus, is on fighting stress with a view to easing anxiety and depression. And, like me, you probably know about the ‘Fight or Flight’ response. And you know about ‘Rest and Relax.’ But what about ‘Tend and Befriend’?

Some of you are enviably brilliant at this. Making friends comes naturally to you, as does keeping them. But did you know, this skill can add years to your life? When I was researching the book, I was fascinated to discover this third state, and wanted to know more.

When we experience stress, our bodies typically enter one of two states – fight or flight. These states activate our sympathetic nervous system and trigger our body’s stress response. However, there is a third stress state that is less well known but potentially more beneficial – the “tend and befriend” state.

What is Tend and Befriend?

Tend and befriend is a state where social instincts take over during times of stress. Instead of confronting a threat or running away, we seek out the social support of others. Our bodies respond by releasing oxytocin and endogenous opioids, which facilitate caregiving behaviours and reduce stress. Essentially, connecting with others helps calm our minds and bodies.

Why is This State Important?

Tend and befriend enables us to tap into the power of social bonds to ease anxiety. It evolved as an adaptive mechanism to help humans – and especially females – protect themselves and their offspring in difficult times. Research shows that activating this state through social contact can lower blood pressure, cortisol, and other stress hormones. The resulting sense of calm and safety has significant health advantages.

How to Access This State

When you feel stressed, try the following to activate tend and befriend:

● Reach out to supportive friends and family to talk through what you’re feeling. Don’t isolate yourself.

● Spend time caring for others in need through volunteering or community work. Acts of service boost oxytocin.

● Set aside time each day for social connection – this primes your body for tend and befriend.

● Practice self-compassion by directing warmth and understanding inward.

This provides similar benefits to social support.

The more we strengthen our skills at accessing tend and befriend, the better we can leverage relationships to manage life’s inevitable stresses. With cultivation, the power of social bonds can become our go-to stress buster. Give it a try next time you feel anxious or overwhelmed!

Advance reviews

A small collection of reviews from some wonderful readers who received advance copies.

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